So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
