yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
