If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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