can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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