dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
