Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
