My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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