Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
