They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
