DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You've changed since you got that strap on
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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