you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
