So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
