I am full of burrito and curiosity
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
