I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
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from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
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Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.