He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on