I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....