Pants 0. Shit 1.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
