alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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