one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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