Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Randomize
