The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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