He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
