sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
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With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
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I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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