You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
