I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
my poor anus
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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