You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
