1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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