he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
worst night to have a conscience
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
