Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
