I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
