we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
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