I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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