I think I am morally bankrupt
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Randomize
