I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
