1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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