Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
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