is your mom at the bar?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
