God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Randomize
