Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
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