It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
