i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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