I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
