OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
