No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
