What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
