i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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