I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
