Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I use my feet as sexual weapons
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
