Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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