My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
