Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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