my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Two words: blizzard sex
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
