Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
